This morning I woke up from a painful dream. Was it a dream? No, it was my reality of a few days of being in pain. An emotional tsunami rolled over me. Metaphorically, never-ending waves threw me around in the vastness of the ocean.
All my strategies of staying heart-connected disappear without any warning.
I got severely bruised. Despite years of being on the path of self-knowledge, I ever so often tend to fall deeply into a void. I feel powerless and helpless. I have nothing to hold onto. Sadness, disappointment and pain are my friends during such moments.
Strong feelings of frustration and fear of stagnation make me sabotage the progress I crave for. My refusal to surrender my hold on an arbitrary (illusory) definition of myself is leading me astray. Rather than surrender to the unknown; take a risk, trust and let myself transform into the new mysterious shapes the future holds. I cling to my form and with it a preconceived image of myself.
In this state of desperation the here & now no longer exist.
And there is the problem. My desire for progress, the pursuit of preconceived notions of success was creating a future in my mind I am chasing. A future which paradoxically I want desperately let go of. I don’t want the old career-hungry and ego-centric Claudia back, yet I pursue her in the fear that I would have to let go of my definition of self. It’s a contradiction! The focus is on an illusionary future and absurdly this is what kept me stuck in emotional pain.
Darkness by definition depends on light, or in other words, negative experiences can create new awareness, if we chose to reflect and learn.
This is what I decided to do in my preparation for a softer landing the next time around:
3 Questions for Inner Contemplation:
What are “my triggers” to fall from Light into Darkness, from Flow into Pain allowing the ‘resister’ in myself to reappear?
How do I feel in these two different states – ‘resister’ versus being in ‘Flow’?
How can I empower myself to shift from one state to another to shorten the periods of darkness and emotional pain but yet respect their importance in my evolution and personal growth, for what we resist, persists.
The contemplation of these questions made me realize that I was living in conflict: chasing something I didn’t want but yet unable (or unwilling) to see anything else. I desperately yearned for the joy of being in the Flow in a state of oneness with life, but something within me stopped me from taking the leap. A reluctance to embrace the unknown, naked and unprotected, a reluctance to let go of what I thought I needed to hold on to survive. This duality fueled a steady undercurrent of friction, irritation and frustration.
Phases of transformation and growth are often characterized by an unconscious battle against social conditioning, redundant fear and outdated beliefs.
The more we reach and strive the further the goal retreats. The secret lies in the discovery that the goal is right there within you, beside you, is you, and rather than requiring traveling beyond. It can be found through letting go of fear and an opening to confronting belief that higher systems exist and will step in, if you let them. It’s a leap of faith.
Real progress lies in the ability to be one with the moment connecting to our heart-center and allowing the unfolding of life. Progress is no longer the output of yet another project or work achievement. Instead transformation and progress is hidden in ever so small shifts in awareness and in shifts in our energetic being.
Here are my Key Takeaways:
Become aware of your redundant fears.
Surrender to what holds you back. Understand that joy, progress and fulfillment are hidden in the depth of your being. Adventure into the possibility of higher systems that await your belief in them. The distractions are plentiful given our modern, connected lifestyle, and the challenge is the same as it ever was: stay true to what you know is right. Listen to that quiet inner voice.
Social media can lead us in shallow judgments of people and situations. We compare ourselves with the reality of no reality. Social media is the biggest global outlet for the dramas of the human race. We ‘buy’ what we see! We believe others live a perfect life and often they so do not. Now more than ever social media has become the dance of illusion.
The real journey is the journey within. You “just” have to find the courage to get out of your way and take the first step.
Despite all awareness and preparation I realize I will – unexpectedly – be swallowed by the waves of life again. It’s an ebb and flow. I accept the experience as the pathway of progress towards my true Self. It is an infinite spiral whose center we move towards. Let yourself fall into it, towards it, but ultimately there is no destination, only the falling and the trust that the falling is OK.
Pyramid of Transformation
The Pyramid of Transformation shows four inter-connected phases of evolution. It’s evident that while we evolve from the lower realm to the upper realm, we oscillate in our progress based on our conditioning, believes and desires. The integration of perception and embracement of parallel realities must become our daily exercise.
It is by simultaneously holding multiple viewpoints and multiple perspectives that we begin to encompass the truth of our world.