Rethinking Modern Masculinity: Why “Nice” Isn’t Enough

We sat down with Kelvin Davis — author, model, and the voice behind Notoriously Dapper — to talk about modern masculinity, authenticity, and the inspiration behind his new book Be a Good Man, Not a Nice Guy. Known for empowering men to embrace confidence and purpose, Kelvin brings a rare blend of honesty, vulnerability, and strength to every conversation.

1. What inspired you to write Be a Good Man, Not a Nice Guy, and what do you hope readers take away from it?

This book was born from my own personal evolution. For a long time, I thought being a “nice guy” meant being the best version of a man — always agreeable, always accommodating, always making sure everyone else was okay, even when I wasn’t. But that version of me was performing, not living. I was seeking validation instead of living from a source of purpose.

Over time, through experiences in relationships, fatherhood, modeling, and mentorship, I realized that niceness without honesty or backbone leads to resentment…both toward yourself and others. Be a Good Man, Not a Nice Guy is my call to men to stop chasing approval and start pursuing authenticity. I hope readers walk away with permission to be real, not perfect and to understand that goodness is rooted in integrity, not image.

2. You draw a distinction between being “nice” and being “good.” How do you define that difference, and why does it matter?

The difference is all about intention. A nice guy operates from performance he wants to be liked, accepted, or seen as the “nice guy.” So, he avoids conflict, says yes to everything, and sacrifices truth to keep peace. But a good man acts from purpose, he’s grounded in his values even when it’s uncomfortable or even unpopular.

That difference matters because niceness is external, it’s all about how others see you. On the other hand, goodness is internal it’s about who you are when no one’s watching. The true definition of character. One seeks approval; the other seeks alignment. When men start living from that place of truth, it changes how they love, lead, and show up in this world.

Understand that doing the nice thing isn’t always good and doing the good thing isn’t always nice.

3. You write that “niceness” can sometimes come from fear or insecurity. How can men recognize when that’s happening and shift toward authenticity instead?

You can usually tell it’s fear-based when you feel anxious about disappointing someone or when your “yes” comes with resentment. When your peace feels fake, it’s not peace — it’s people-pleasing. You can’t find your peace in pleasing others. You must do what’s best for you. Authenticity requires courage but once you start honoring your truth, you build self-respect instead of seeking approval.

The first step to achieving this is awareness. Start by asking yourself: Am I doing this because it’s right, or because I’m afraid of how someone will react if I don’t? Once you identify that fear, you can start replacing it with boundaries and self-respect. Authenticity begins when you stop trading your truth for temporary comfort. And the more you practice being real especially in small ways, the more confidence and clarity you gain.

4. How do you personally define modern masculinity, and how has that evolved for you over the years?

Modern masculinity is the balance between strength and sensitivity — it’s the ability to lead with compassion and still hold firm in your morals and principles. It’s emotional maturity, accountability, and integrity all in action.

For me, masculinity used to be tied to control, dominance, and what people perceive as toughness. You know the things that society has taught a man should be. But life humbled me. Fatherhood, love, loss, and self-work showed me that real strength isn’t about how loud you are; it’s about how well you listen, how you treat others, and how you handle failure.

Healthy masculinity evolves when men allow themselves to grow, to feel, and to lead from love instead of ego.

5. Many men are taught that setting boundaries makes them selfish. What’s your advice for unlearning that mindset?

We’ve been conditioned to believe that self-sacrifice equals love, especially as men who want to protect and provide. But boundaries are not selfish at all, in fact they’re necessary. Without them, we end up burnt out, resentful, and disconnected from ourselves.

My advice is to reframe boundaries as acts of respect, not rejection. You can still love people deeply and say “no” when something crosses your limits. You’re not doing it to push people away instead you’re doing it so you can show up more fully when you say “yes.” A man who honors his boundaries models what healthy love looks like, and that’s one of the most generous things he can do.

Boundaries aren’t walls…they’re bridges that protect connection. You can’t show up fully for others if you’re running on empty or constantly compromising yourself.

6. Vulnerability shows up throughout your book — how does it play into being a truly “good man”?

Vulnerability is the key to unlock connection. When a man allows himself to be open — to say “I don’t know,” “I need help,” or “That hurt me” he’s showing real courage. We’ve been told that men shouldn’t cry or show weakness, but that’s outdated thinking. Vulnerability isn’t a weakness; it’s honesty. That kind of honesty builds trust in relationships, in leadership, and in self-growth.

A truly good man doesn’t hide behind pride or ego; he leads with authenticity. That openness builds and deepens relationships, while making space for healing. When men start embracing vulnerability, it not only transforms how they love others but also how they see themselves.

7. You’ve broken barriers as one of the first Black big & tall models for major brands. How has that experience shaped your views on confidence and self-worth?

It’s taught me that confidence doesn’t come from “fitting” in, it comes from standing out. I like to say I’m outstanding, so I stand out. When I first started modeling, I didn’t see anyone who looked like me. I felt out of place and questioned whether I belonged for a period of time. But instead of trying to shrink myself, I decided to embrace every part of who I am, and what God called me to be.

Being one of the first Black big & tall models wasn’t just about representation — it was about redefining what beauty standards and confidence look like especially in the fashion industry. I learned that true self-worth isn’t about how others see you, but about how you see yourself. When you accept yourself fully, you give others permission to do the same.

8. Emotional intelligence is a big theme in your work. What’s one small daily habit that helps men build it?

One habit I practice every day is emotional self-check-ins. Before I react or respond — especially in tense moments…I pause and ask myself, What am I really feeling right now? That small moment of reflection builds awareness and allows me to center myself. It also helps you move from reacting out of impulse when responding with intention.

Over time, that practice builds an emotional muscle. You start to understand your triggers, your patterns, and your impact on others. Emotional intelligence isn’t about being soft or weak — it’s about being strong enough to manage your emotions instead of being controlled by them. There’s an undeniable sense of strength in stoicism.

9. Notoriously Dapper has grown from a blog to a full movement. What’s been the biggest shift in how people respond to your message about healthy masculinity?

When I first started Notoriously Dapper, it was just a space to express my love for style and self-confidence. It was a place I developed to give men of all sizes and walks of life the tools to be their best self. But over time, it evolved into something much deeper, a conversation about identity, body image, and healthy manhood. The blog got so big it ended up being the title of my first book.

For me the biggest shift has been watching how open people are now to talking about these things. Years ago, vulnerability and masculinity didn’t fit in the same sentence. Today, men and women alike are ready for those real, healing conversations. People are craving honesty and balance — and seeing that change has been powerful and humbling for me.

10. How can men and women have more open, empathetic conversations about modern masculinity without becoming defensive or divided?

It starts with curiosity and compassion. Too often, we enter these conversations trying to prove a point instead of trying to understand one another. Despite the podcast landscape right now, it’s not men versus women. The goal isn’t to win; the goal is to connect. When men feel judged, they shut down; when women feel unheard, they get frustrated.

The way forward is simply through empathy…asking questions, listening deeply, and realizing that both sides are often carrying pain and misunderstanding. Real growth happens when we stop blaming each other and start building with one another. If we can approach each other with grace instead of judgment, we can rewrite the story of what healthy modern masculinity and partnerships look like in the modern era.