Enhancing Self-Compassion

Note: the follwing is an excerpt from Dr. Bryants latest book Matters of the Heart

As we begin this journey into the healing of our hearts, I invite you to center in on enhancing, rebuilding, and nourishing your self-compassion. Focus with a deep, soulful breath on shifting from neglecting yourself to honoring yourself. What does self-compassion feel, look, sound, taste like for you? You may want to journal your reflection on this question as a list, a poem, or even a letter to yourself. As you shift from self-neglect, self-abandonment, self-erasure, and/or self-hatred, you can authentically begin to walk in the fullness of self-acceptance and self-respect.

To lay the groundwork, I want to start by asserting that your growth is built on the idea that your love of yourself is necessary. As you begin to think about the ways you may have been harsh with, judgmental of, or shaming of yourself, weigh the cost. What have been the consequences for you emotionally, physically, and spiritually of demanding so much of yourself with minimal space or time for soft landings?

On the other hand, what have you gained when you have lived from a place of care? Imagine what would happen if you honored and respected yourself. What would happen if you treated yourself in such a way that it became clear that your wellness and wholeness are priorities? In this moment and in the chapters to come, I invite you to come home to yourself. Release that harsh way of thinking and treating yourself and learn to delight, enjoy, celebrate, and be at home with yourself. Yes?!

To be compassionate toward yourself means you have created space for the fullness of your complex identity and your complicated life, including your fractured heart. The aim is to be able to look at yourself with honesty and appreciation. Do you have appreciation, self-compassion, and respect for yourself? Even if the answer is yes (which is great!), do you recognize there is always room for growth?

In this chapter, I will cover a couple of key points that will help to enhance your self-compassion. The first is the significance of self-forgiveness. You may be upset with yourself and as a result be harsh with yourself, whether you are aware of it or not. Many of us are disappointed by the choices we have made and the ways our lives have turned out as a result of those choices — or even as a result of other people’s choices that we had no control over. As a result, when you are angry, ashamed, and frustrated with yourself, you can rob yourself of any sense of peace. This self-judgment can lead to either giving up on yourself or being driven by intense perfectionism. Such perfectionism is based on the perpetual belief that you have so much to prove or to make up for that you cannot experience a sense of contentment or inner calm.

Think about the qualities or experiences that you constantly rehearse, recall, or reject about yourself. In which aspects of your life are you unable to give yourself a lot of grace or compassion when they come to mind?

When it comes to forgiveness, often we center our attention on other people, but I offer for your consideration that the healing of your heart may require that you forgive yourself. Offer forgiveness to yourself so that you can restore joy to your life or find joy for the first time, so you can reclaim or create for the first time a sense of peace. Self-forgiveness is a practice. It is an ongoing journey, an extended commitment. Each day is a new day, so even if you have forgiven yourself for some experiences of the past, when you think about today, yesterday, or this week, there may be new ones that you need let go of, or the old feelings may rise to the surface again. You may need to forgive yourself for the things you were hoping not to do. You may need to forgive yourself for the ways in which you participated in your failures or delays. You may need to forgive yourself for putting too much weight on yourself by setting unrealistic timelines or goals.

I invite you to say that you want to forgive yourself not just as a onetime event but as a choice to live your life in such a way that the grace and compassion you extend to others reach you as well. You have given many chances to others while showing yourself so little grace, compassion, and forgiveness. It’s time to shift the tide. Having self-compassion will begin to shift your one-sided relationships. Realizing you are worthy of change will free you from remaining in stagnant relationships.

Get free. Forgive yourself.